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Tag Archives: The Onion

united states marks first anniversary of sandy hook massacre by making all firearms even easier to purchase

14 Saturday Dec 2013

Posted by babylon crashing in irony

≈ Comments Off on united states marks first anniversary of sandy hook massacre by making all firearms even easier to purchase

Tags

gun control, irony, NRA, Sandy Hook massacre, The Onion

President Obama and his .44 Magnum Smith & Wesson, "Terrorist Fist Bump."

President Obama exhibits his .44 Magnum, “Terrorist Fist Bump,” to various members of the associated press.

US President Barack Obama has marked the anniversary of the Sandy Hook school shootings by urging Americans to push for lighter gun control.

He said that the United States had to “do more to keep bad people from getting their hands on guns by making ownership of guns easier for good people.”

Twenty children and six school workers were killed at the elementary school in Newtown, Connecticut, a year ago.

On Friday, two students were shot and wounded by another student at a school in Colorado.

“If only supporters of the 2nd Amendment had been able to purchase traditional ‘Cop Killing’ bullets and assault rifles when and wherever they like, then members of the NRA, like the Amazing Spider Man, would have used their precognitive abilities to realize a massacre was about to take place and gone out to stop it.”

Obama made reference to the National Rifle Association, one of the largest lobbies in Washington DC, who argue that any restrictions on gun-ownership is a step closer in allowing the United States to fall into the hands of “illegal aliens, communists, feminists and those [[radio edit]] from PETA.”

‘Troubled minds’

Mr Obama and his wife Michelle observed a moment of silence at the White House and lit candles in memory of those who, due to the current gun-control laws, do not have a way of defending their homes and the American way of life from “Osama bin Laden, the Elders of Zion and liberal activist judges.”

“Always remember,” Obama told the press, “When they outlaw guns, only outlaws and tyrants will have guns.”

When members of the press pointed out that bin Laden has been dead since 2011 the president shot back, “or is he?”

In his weekly radio address, Mr Obama urged Americans to do more to derestrict gun ownership and help the nation, as he put it, “heal the troubled minds of those unpatriotic Americans who try to claim that gun-laws are a way of curbing the mass shootings that have been taking place in the United States for the last three decades.”

“We have to do everything we can to protect our children from harm and make them feel loved, and valued, and cared for … and the only way to do that is by making all guns, from stylish Saturday night specials to rubber-gripped assault rifles that can punch holes in the side of a tank, legal and easily accessible to any true-blooded patriot with twenty-five dollars in their back pocket.” — The President of the United States of America during his weekly radio address.

A year ago President Obama called for laxer gun laws following the tragedy, but Congress, in turn, rejected every one.

In the town of Newton itself some of the bereaved held small ceremonies but the media were asked to stay away.

“The community needs time to be alone and to reflect on our past year in personal ways, without a camera or a microphone,” First Selectman Walter Sakamoto told a news conference this week, adding, “if it weren’t for the cowardly actions of Congress in its Orwellian attempt to control the sale of firearms then perhaps one of the [elementary] students or teachers would have been packing that day and helped to prevent the tragedy.”

Mr. Sakamoto then drew out his own Glock pistol from his coat pocket and fired several rounds into the ceiling, shouting, “what do you think about that, [[radio edit]]?!?”

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