for grace

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“Just don’t bring home a white boy,” your father
bid. So you did. He was flippin’ flippant

when he said, “the devil is in my daughter,”
but I was, too, daily. We’d had blatant

need for veils: your hijab, my sonnet. Place
for grace. Safe space. Each poem was a road

home for us: “Fuck ass, let no wrath erase
our path.”
In my bedroom more than faith flowed

where my tongue teased. Each kiss a phat freckle,
salvation. My palms on your breasts. Until …

fissures from your father’s need to control
us: his, “modest virgin,” her, “infidel

b-boy” – men who sew their woe; men who kill
joy all because of their own broken soul.

fractious

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Most of our lusts are hell-bent. Hot breath in
our head. Chaos flurry. Keen for a leer,

vile look, fractious love. They say that sin
is man-made. We get off feeding our fear.

We all have shreds of it riddled through us.
I felt yours when you came over. Nightmares

full of husband’s fists, mothers of violence
are just dreams. Some are as toothless as prayers

against rage. I’ve raved and craved that hate, too;
but my rage went inward. Ate me in ways

that you never will. Violence born bliss
still shames me, anchors me, sucks me in, spews

me out. Why such a craze for the male gaze?
We who insist that we’re above all this.

misdid

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Flip the Bird was a bird, from Leeds, no less
and since it was the 80s – a junkie,

to boot. Junk is droll, you’d said of the mess,
when I finally pressed, your panties barely

hiding that odd smirk. Not the worst tattoo
that I’ve had to stare down while staring down

inside someone. “Perv much?” in faded blue
ink gave me pause. Once. Sex with the class clown

tends to be desperate: all your pussy-fart
jokes, that eyesore, Flip, your constant reference

to our age difference. I get it. Life sucks
for the misdid kids. I’m not smart. My heart

means well, but I remain a perv, class dunce.
All I have is mercy and messy fucks.

coddle

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In the end it’s barely there. Touch of heat.
Spark of grief. Why won’t such a tiny prick

set me gangling? Not the first to treat
me like this, but … it’s a bit bombastic

to say the last. I mean, a night not fraught
with pain is kinda weak sauce; and, my dude,

you don’t show me much. Is that all you got?
Stubbing your cigar out on my chest? Rude.

Tied down? Duct-taped while Dylan & The Dead
blare? That’s not torture, twitchy. That’s just tripe.

Count the scars. I don’t coddle amateurs.
It’s why these fingers have no nails. I’ve bled

better and you promised me a huge fright;
so damn proud of that tiny prick of yours.

schemes

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You get sloppy. Your thoughts muddled, jumping
from hint to hint. How many evil schemes

have you half-hatched? One more undertaking
undone. Friends try to joke but something seems

infernally wrong. You’d bet your scrumptious
cloven hooves that lockdown out in Hades

is like this: promise of having promise
squandered. Even this poem does not please;

started weeks ago it sits on the page –
sneering – go on, make one more droll blow job

joke. You think you’re a horny devil but
you’re more Sucka MC. Your old-school rage

doesn’t age all that well. You’re quaint. Both slob
and snob. Say it. Sacred smut. Arse biscuit.

harbor

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Storm-sheathed. I slip the squall back inside. Why
this rage? Cloudy outburst; your plum boughs bounce

on the bloom. Moody, you called me. Each thigh
splayed, now settle down – and watch how I flounce

on the floor each time you grind your crevasse
across my face. We all need harbors, space

to cool. Ride me like that leather and brass
gizmo, your wet glow maker. Grace. I’d trace

the way with tongue, but, amour, I’m cocksure
I’m broke. No excuse. If you must bend

in my blow, storm crow, where others fissure
and snap, that’s my fault. If you must endure

love then it ain’t. Just a gale without end.
Just one more tempest that you can’t harbor.

caught

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Fucking perversely, whoever she was,
close to home. Each noon the splintered windscreen

on your camper van fogged up. True, the flaws
in this affair were that you had to clean

the shag carpet each time; stench of vodka
and sperm and rocking Volkswagens don’t fool

people, even with Three Dog Night’s, “Mama
told me not to cum,” cranked high. Middle school

flashbacks, even now, are of your panic
at the thought of getting caught. “I can’t stop,”

you’d gag, my balls pressed fat against your chin.
We all cry out; even an ex-hippy chick

getting licked clean, acid in each teardrop,
heartache that you kept calling a love-in.

rascality

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Look back. No thirteen sisters. No coven.
No high priest. Just you with your spring follies

at the farm house. Perhaps you did summon
him: one more demon, kid stuff, keen to please.

Perhaps you two found purchase propped against
the wall. Brick patterns on your backside, skirt

rucked up, hair all undone – until you sensed
strain, like your husband’s porn: watch mommy squirt.

You still love men who ooze delinquency.
Men and monsters. You called. Lust breeds mischief

when we’re alone; rutting near walls, mazy
hedgerows, fallow fields. It’s still not enough.

Called and summoned. You’re starved for rough magic,
for all that’s uncanny, fell and phallic.

fractures

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Mornings I wake; hidden pain in long healed
bones. Cracks in my jaw. Cracks in my skull. Pills

numb things for a bit, but things left unsealed
rarely close again. Pain’s old joke: its thrills

provoke raunchily … is true … at times. Pain
pushes me far beyond comfort. “Touch this,”

I could say. The metal that grazed my brain
left an odd groove in my scalp. One more kiss

that warns how bones can be altered, structures
reshaped. I could show you, but I won’t. Raw

nerves make me horny and cranky. I’m both
Pandora and her Box; teasing fractures

that will not heal. Broken skull. Broken jaw.
My own dear devil in the undergrowth.

prins hendrik

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They called you his woman friend. Jazz mauled
Amsterdam. His cock was never hard. Cocaine.

You loved his horn, his shtick, what critics called
white boy blues. No one went broke selling pain

to white boys. Boomers’ truth. I’ve been to Prins
Hendrik; stood where he fell. Nothing. But you,

woman friend, I know why you loved his sins,
how your pear brought him pleasure; your tattoo

above your bum and the spot where his thumb
sank in. –– For you it wasn’t a hustle.

“Pain is pain. I was his balm.” Indeed. Few
can play that pain away. The rest go numb

until something wakes us. That’s love. Each time
he played. Fuck the haters. Each time he blew.

NOTE:
“It ain’t cool to slag off the dead,” was a line I didn’t use but I say it in all sincerity to the late Chet Baker. As a kid I never liked Baker’s music or, for that matter, what I thought was West Coast jazz. It all sounded so safe, what 1950s suburban dads listened to when they couldn’t sleep at night. In comparison, the Detroit sound was full of rage, cement and grit. As a white boy I didn’t want to listen to other white boys sing, “My Funny Valentine,” I wanted to burn. Then someone played California Hard-style and I realized that, yes, once again, I am a rube and clodhopper when it comes to music. Still, in Peace Corps I had a 6-hour lay over in Amsterdam while waiting for the connecting flight, so after sampling hashish in the Bulldog Cafe I made my way over to where Chet Baker died back in 1988, the Prins Hendrik Hotel. I was hoping for some cosmic spark upon reaching there but I felt nothing … literally, I was so stoned I couldn’t even feel my teeth. I’m still amazed that I even found my way back to the airport.